Thursday, October 12

Lines from something, which is better?

'beneath the arc of the roof
and above the bottom'


'beneath the arc of the groove of the roof
and above the bottom'

Which do you reckon? I've had contrasting opinions thus far, and although no 1. scans better, I think I prefer no. 2 for that particular line... but then it'd be like I'm sacrificing the scansion for that particular line. Confusing.


soph said...

What exactly do you mean by 'scans better'?
I prefer the second line. I think it's...more erm - sorry if i use this phrase wrong - pendantic? It's just like dun dun dun dun, it's got a nice bumpy flow.
Contradiction there, but x

Katy said...

Soph -- Just... seems to flow better. I don't really know how to describe it. Like if something scans well, generally it wouldn't 'jolt' as such, but then you go into what jolts, and the question of when jolting is a good thing (when it's for a purpose, or reaction, I think...) Yes, the second offering does seem more pedantic, and it is bumpy, as you say. I suppose you've answered one of my questions there, at least from your point of view; that it jolts in a good way.

SophieBob said...

I love it anyway, the word groove sounds so lovely, it is...[what's the word for when a word sounds like it's meaning?] well you get what i mean. It's just...groooove :) Yummy. Use the second one!! It's more meaty. x

Rowena said...

I would go with the first one. It flows much better. Also, "arc" and "groove" have essentially the same meaning, so while they might create an image in your head they convey a confused image for the reader. Hope this is helpful!

Kieron said...

I agree with Rowena :)

SophieBob said...

Well, Kieron, I think you smell :)
I still stick by my opinion!
If indeed it does confuse the reader slightly, hell, it adds to the mystery. Make them work harder! x

Katy said...

Actually, Rowena's entirely correct. I mean, I'm sacrificing the meaning and understanding for the sake of some sound in the second one, which is *not* what I want to do.

Yo Bimbo! said... What?

I think die first one...easier to understand, but i guess that aint your style :)

Katy said...

ha, who was the last comment off?

SophieBob said...

I reckon it was from Nathan.
And I don't see how you're sacrificing the meaning at all. If anything it paints a clearer picture, in my head. I think sound improves a poem, generally. But to each is own.
Don't conform.

Rowena said...

You've started quite a debate here Katy.
I hope you realise that, whichever line you choose, you will lose half your friends?
Just a thought.

Katy said...

Soph (again) - It's near enough pointless repetition, I think; 'groove', as Rowena said, is much like 'arc', and it'd be too over-indulgent to have both. Plus it makes the lines uneven. And with the rest of the poem (which isn't here, and maybe I should post?) I think that wouldn't be a good thing.

Rowena - my friends are used to me, I feel quite confident in saying that that won't happen! :)

SophieBob said...

Of course you wouldn't lose any of us! [choose my side or else!rawr! hehe]

Well, to be quite honest, I feel that groove can have a different meaning. That phrase paints a picture of something grooving against an arc - although i don't think i've described that well.
No, I didn't; i think i know what you're trying to convey, and i do think that groove adds a lovely abnormality.
Who said there was anything bad about over-indulging, eh? ;)
I have too many opinions on this now! [grr katy!] but can't explain them all! xxx

p.s, comment on my blog will you!

rowena said...

Hehe I was just kidding Katy did. Sorry, every time I go to write your name, I get an urge to write "did" at the end. But I won't do it again, I promise. (Much).
You should post the poem, it's a lot easier to give advice when you know what the writer is asking advice about.

Katy said...

Soph -- now I see what you mean. That wasn't what I intended though, I think I just got carried away with the sounds. But still, that's not to demean that idea.

Rowena -- my face is something between that of a glare and a smile. Ha, 'much'. Yes, I should, but I don't think it's up to scratch yet.